Logic Akbar

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SCENE: Mitch BERG is browsing for saw chains at Menards’ in the Midway, when Fudd GLUNK, vice chair of the Ramsey County chapter of “Sharia is Coming! Sharia is Coming!”, walks around the corner.

GLUNK: Merg!

BERG: Er…hey, Fudd…

GLUNK: Islam’s goal is to impose Sharia Law on all of us!

BERG: [Looking as if he knows he’ll regreat asking] And we know this how…

GLUNK: Because the Koran say so!

BERG: And because Muslims, like all the the world’s major faiths, always follow their holy texts to the absolute word, in exactly the same way.


BERG: Which is why you will never, ever find a Catholic gettng divorced, a Jew eating bacon, an Evanglical protestant fornicating, or a Hindu eating beef, ever.

GLUNK: They’re different.

BERG: Different how?

GLUNK: Because the Koran tells them exactly what to do.

BERG: As opposed to the BIble, the Torah…

GLUNK: Their goal, every last one of them, is to impose Sharia on the world. By force if needed, by guile if possible. They Koran allows no exceptions.

BERG: So Muslims, unlike all the world’s faiths, are unanimously diligent in obeying their various holy texts.

GLUNK: Yes. The Koran says so. There is only one Koran.

BERG: That’s pure baked wind. There are six major branches of Islam, and probably six dozen minor ones – they may be more fragmented even than Christianity with its 3-4 major divisions. And one of the things they fragment over is waht “Jihad” actually means. To radical fundamentalist Sunni like ISIS, and radical fundamentalist Shi’a like the Iranians, it means “impose Islam by all means necessary”, while Sufis are downright pacifistic, and have gotten clobbered through the centuries by their Sunni and Shi’ite neighbors for the trouble.

And pretty much any imam can tack on his own interpretation beyond that – which was why the Imam at exactly one mosque in Minneapolis decided that touching pork, not eating it, and being in the presence of dogs rather than owning and being in contact with them, was a sin, thus becoming the only Muslims in America to actually practice such beliefs.

GLUNK: Haha, Merg. The Koran says that all apostates must be killed!

BERG: And among the acts that qualify as “apostasy” in purist Islam are living in a non-theocratic country – Muslim or not – much less voting for a government, since the only non-apostatic government is the Caliph. And all those Muslim girls in our public school systems? They and their parents are all in biiiiiig Koranic trouble, since educating girls is trayf.

GLUNK: Trayf?

BERG: Never mind.

GLUNK: The Koran allows Muslims to deceive the infidel! It’s called tak…er, takk…

BERG: Taqqiya.

GLUNK: Yeah!

BERG: So every Muslim in a non-theocratic Muslim country is a sleeper agent?

GLUNK: The Koran says so!

BERG: You’re aware that the Christian churches of Europe, after decades of free fall, have finally plateaued, almost entirely from Muslims converting?

GLUNK: They are just laying low until they get their opportunity.

BERG: Yeah, that must be it. Interesting fact; the first mosque in the United States was in Ross, North Dakota; the Syrian/Lebanese community that built it pretty much intermarried with the local Swedes and Germans, and is pretty much indistinguishable from the locals 120 years later – in fact, I went to high school with some of their descendants and didn’t even know about it.

If they’re sleeper agents, they’re pretty dang effective.

GLUNK: You must be some kind of Muslim accomodationist!

BERG: Not at all. I’m a Christian, a conservative, and an American nationalist and exceptionalist. I’d never convert to Islam, and I can argue articulately exactly why. Our nation needs to accept immigrants – and insist that they assimilate. Which is why when we get a Muslim coming to the GOP, I welcome them – because “going to a Republican party event” is as assimilatory as buying a house in Burnsville with a freaking white picket fence.

GLUNK: You’re just a useful idiot for Sharia Law!

BERG: About half a percent of Minnesota’s population is Muslim. If we get Sharia imposed on us by half a percent of the population, we’ll probably deserve it.

But think about this for a moment. Radical Islam – the Wahhabi, the Shi’ite fundies in Iran – that is most definitely a danger.

But progressivism is a danger to this country right now – and if we take every single new immigrant to this country and, via ignorant intolerance, turn them into Democrat / “progressive’ voters, we’ll be doing for our enemies what they could never do for ourselves.

GLUNK: I suppose now you’re going to come up with some clever punchline to end this sketch?

BERG: At this point, it’d be redundant, wouldn’t it?