Chefs On The Battlefield, Generals In The Kitchen

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[SCENE: Mitch BERG is at his county elections office getting an early primary voting packet. He looks around and notices Avery LIBRELLE walking in. He briefly considers fleeing out the fire exit, but just tries to make himself look small and inconspicuous. It doesn’t work.]

LIBRELLE: Merg! Donald Trump is a traitor!

BERG: No he’s not. We’re not at war with Russia.

LIBRELLE: Yes we are!

BERG: How do you figure? Be specific.

LIBRELLE: They’ve been attacking our society and election system.

BERG: They’ve been attacking our society and election system since the 1930’s – ours and every one in Western Europe, with a brief break during the early nineties, maybe.

LIBRELLE: Espionage is a form of war.

BERG: Then we’re “at war” with every nation on earth, including all of our putative allies.

LIBRELLE: Merg! Merg! Trump’s performance in Helsinki was a threat to national security!

BERG: His press conference was a fairly awkward display of ego over common sense. But since you brought up national security, if you favor open borders…

LIBRELLE: STOP BREAKING UP FAMILIES! ABOLISH ICE!

BERG: …or ignoring the perils of untrammeled migration from Wahhabi-dominated regions…

LIBRELLE: RACIST XENOPHOBE!

BERG: …or getting real about China’s ambitions…

LIBRELLE: MCCARTHYITE!

BERG: …while obsessing about the Russians…

LIBRELLE: Dire threat to our security!!!!!

BERG: …but only in re Trump, and not Obama’s fairly shameful upsucking to the Russians

LIBRELLE: RACIST!

BERG: Naturally. But when it comes to Trump…

LIBRELLE: LITERALLY HITLER!

BERG: …you all turn into George Patton?

LIBRELLE: Who?

BERG: [theatrically snaps fingers] Wait – this is Ramsey county? I’ve got the wrong election. Gotta go!

BERG leaves.

And SCENE.