Heard On Social Media, 1938

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SCENE: A group of people are sitting in a cafe in south Minneapolis.

Harland BERG and a few other people sit around tables, absently drinking coffee and reading the Minneapolis Star when Oscar KJEDELIG walks into the room.

KJEDELIG: We need to prevent Germans from caucusing at the Farmer-Labor Party caucuses next week.

BERG: Er…Germans?

KJEDELIG: Yes! Germans follow a crazy dictator who wants to bring world war.

BERG : Well, some certainly do.

KJEDELIG: “Look at this book! (He waves a mimeographed copy of a pamphlet entitled “All Germans Want To Start A War”, by…well, it’s hard to tell who wrote it). Read it and you’ll know everything.

BERG: Like you do?

KJEDELIG: Of course.

BERG: Well, I do speak the language, and did study a whole hell of a lot about Germany and the Germans, and I happen to know that the desire to start a world war is correlated with Germans who live in places where the Nazi Party is in control. Germans living in Canada, Australia, Chile, and especially places like the Dakotas, Montana, New Ulm Minnesota and so many other places have absolutely no correlation with Germans who want to kjill us.

In fact, we can test it now. (BERG turns to Will HEINRICH, a first-Generation German immigrant sitting at the next table). (BERG switches to German) “Hey, da, Willi – wollten Sie eine Weltkrig anizufangen, und “untermench” umzubringen?”

HEINRICH: Solche quatsch! Ich habe dreiβig Jahre in Amerika gewohnen! Ich war im Groβer Krieg im Amerikanischen Heer!

BERG: So there you have it. Not that I know anything about Germans.

KJEDELIG: That’s not what this (waves the pamphlet) says.

BERG: The pamplhet is wrong.

KJEDELIG: That’s not what the pamphlet says.

BERG: It says it’s not wrong.

KJEDELIG: It says anyone who disagrees is working for the Germans.

BERG: Of course it does.

KJEDELIG: Clearly you hate America.

BERG: Clearlly


Apropos nothing.