Now it can be told

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President-Elect Donald Trump likes to be forced into a leather cat-suit, have a blow-up gag inserted into his mouth, be bound from head to toe, and get stuffed into a sleeping bag, which is then filled with strawberry jam and zipped closed. Still in the bag, he is rolled down a rocky hill into a pool of medium-rare Trump steaks. Extricated from the bag, he then likes to have Meryl Streep throw Trump Grill Taco Bowls at him while Rosie O’Donnell reads aloud select excerpts from 50 Shades of Grey and Mein Kampf.

Or not.

It's on the internet and I was able to provide a link, so I'm pretty sure it's true. This part of the story, however, apparently isn't true:

A Russian venture capitalist and tech expert whose name and company are mentioned in the now-notorious document alleging connections between the Donald Trump campaign and Russian hackers says no intelligence officers have ever contacted him about the accusations, which he says are false.

A report compiled by a former Western intelligence official as opposition research against Trump was made public Tuesday when BuzzFeed posted its 35 pages. The document included unsubstantiated claims of collusion between the Trump campaign team and the Kremlin.

It also alleged that global tech firm XBT Holding, with operations in Dallas, was instrumental in the hack of leaked Democratic Party emails that embarrassed Hillary Clinton and fellow Democrats.

XBT, owner of Dallas-based enterprise-hosting company Webzilla, is run by a successful Russian tech startup expert, Aleksej Gubarev. In a phone interview from Cyprus, where he said he’d lived since 2002, Gubarev said he was surprised to see his name in the report.

“I don’t know why I was there,” Gubarev said, adding that perhaps a competitor sought to discredit him. “I still don’t understand the true reason for this report.”

All we need is a soundtrack:

Sing along with me!

RA RA VLAD PUTIN
Master of the current scene
There was a cat that really was gone
RA RA TRUMPUTIN
Russia's greatest love machine
It was a shame how he carried on

Meanwhile, Glenn "Instapundit" makes the salient point:

First, the press and the Deep State are already going after him, before he’s even had a chance to get out of line. And second, I mean, holy crap, could they be any sorrier at doing so? I mean, “Peegate?” Really? What the hell?

This is good news for Trump, sort of, but overall it’s really bad news, since it means that both journalism and the intelligence community are both more politicized, and less competent, than even I thought. Sweet Jesus, these people are terrible.

If you have any outrageous tales of Trump, share them in the comments section. I'll make sure that John McCain passes them along to the appropriate channels.