SCENE: Mitch BERG is trimming weeds by his driveway with a grass whip.
Before he can react, Avery LIBRELLE – who is walking through the alley making notes about people who aren’t separating their recycling – surprises him.
LIBRELLE: Hey, Merg! Why are you people so panicky about transgenders picking their own restrooms?
BERG: I’m not. The whole thing is a tempest in a teapot – except of course for the Feds stepping in to make, literally, a federal issue about something that is really no issue at all.
LIBRELLE: But you Republicans are all angry and scared!
BERG: Enh. Not me. I’ve worked around some transgendered people. It’s really no big deal.
LIBRELLE: Ha ha ha ha ha! Hah! You should know that transgender people are very very unlikely to commit any crime at all!
BERG: Right. I know that. But let me ask you, Avery – since transgendered people have a very very very low crime rate, we shouldn’t be imposing all sorts of pointless regulations on who goes into what restroom?
LIBRELLE: Right! That would be bigoted and transphobic!
BERG: Bigotry and a design-your-own phobia! Exactly! Being mortally afraid of, and imposing pointless regulations that will have absolutely no affect on crime, on populations that have essentially negligible offense rates, is bigotry and phobia!
BERG: (Getting excited) In fact, we should never impose pointless rules and regulations on people who commit vastly fewer crimes than the general population, because such regulations are rooted in bigotry and fear!
LIBRELLE: Yes! Absolutely!
BERG: All of them!
LIBRELLE: All of them! (LIBRELLE leaps up, kicks heels in glee)
BERG: So background checks for law-abiding citizens transferring guns are…
LIBRELLE: (Not quite realizing the change in subject) Phobic and bigo…HEY!