True North

(A play in two acts)

The scene is a living room in a modest home, in a small Minneapolis suburb. June Cleaver, Ward’s liberal-leaning wife, is vacuuming, while wearing her full compliment of high heels, a flowing dress, and string of pearls. Ward Cleaver is sitting down in his recliner, relaxing after a hard day’s work, reading the Strib and cussing at Nick Coleman’s latest article. Suddenly, there’s an abrupt knock. Four bratty neighborhood kids await outside the door…

June Cleaver: (opening door) “Why hello kids—how are all of you? Would you like some campaign contributions? I baked them fresh!”

(The four children, T-Paw, Normie, Willie and A-Klo walk in the door)

T-Paw:(syrupy sweet voice)“Hello, Mrs. Cleaver! Mmmm.. gee, thanks for those contributions! Hey—Mrs. Cleaver—come here and meet Willie’s friend, Global Warming!” (T-Paw points to an empty space next to Willie)

June Cleaver: (thinking to self): “An imaginary friend. Isn’t that cute!” (then, out-loud, playing along:) “Gosh golly, T-Paw and Willie,” (looking at the empty space between them)—“Looks like you’ve got yourself quite a friend! Isn’t that nice!”

T-Paw: “Yep, and me and Willie are going to go to the North Pole, where Global Warming lives, an’ ‘splore!”

June Cleaver: “Well, isn’t that special! You kids better dress warm… and be back by the time the street lights are on, okay?”

T-Paw: “Okay, Mrs. Cleaver! Come on Willie, Normie and A-Klo—let’s go ‘splorin!”

(the four trot out the door and turn north; Leave it to Beaver type music in background)

Ward Cleaver: “June, do you really think you should encourage their having an imaginary friend like Global Warming?”

June Cleaver: “Ward, what can it hurt. After all, they’re just children exercising their imaginations!”

Ward Cleaver: “But what if it goes too far?”

June Cleaver:“Nonsense, Ward—what harm could kids do with an imaginary friend, anyway?”

Ward Cleaver: “Maybe you’re right, June, but I wonder…” (music out)

Act II

(A week later, The Cleavers receive another knock at their door. T-Paw, Willie, Normie and A-Klo are there with a bucket.)

T-Paw: (in a syrupy-sweet voice) “Hello, Mrs. Cleaver—My, but don’t you look wonderful!”

June Cleaver: “Why, thank you T-Paw! What can I do for you?”

T-Paw: “Well, Mrs. Cleaver, it turns out that our friend, Global Warming, isn’t very nice!”

June Cleaver: “Really, why do you say that?”

Willie: “Well, well… me, me, me an’ T-T-T-Paw went to-to-to the Nawth Pole… an- an-and Gwobal Warming started k-k-kiwwing powar beawrs an’ baby seaows and stuff!”

June Cleaver: (playing along) “You don’t say! Why the nerve…”

Normie: “Yeah, Mrs. Cweavah. That’s why we’re asking fer contributions—so we can hire a hit man to kill Gwobal Wahming! (laughs like Elmer Fudd--holds out bucket)

June Cleaver: (puzzled) “I beg your pardon?”

A-Klo: (hands on hips) “Mrs. Cleaver, All we’re asking is 40 percent of your paycheck! I mean, it’s really important that we stop Global Warming before he kills even more cute baby seals and polar bears!! :::whining, on the verge of tears::: I mean, you want to save cute baby seals and polar bears—don’t you ??” :::sniff:::

June Cleaver:“Well, of course, but..”

(Meanwhile, Mr. Cleaver, overhearing the conversation, comes to the door)

Ward Cleaver: “Now children, it was all well and good that Mrs. Cleaver and I played along with your imaginary friend, but..”

Willie: “IMAGINAWY FWIEND?!?”

A-Klo: (hands on hips—pursed lips, frown) “Yeah. What do you mean, ‘maginary?”

Ward Cleaver: “Heh—now kids, you don’t really believe in Global Warming, do you?”

Normie: “I sure do! Don’t you??!?"

Ward Cleaver: “Why, no!”

Normie: “Well—I’m gonna hold my bweath til my face turns bwue unwess you take back what you said!” (bears down, puffs cheeks and holds breath)

Ward Cleaver: Now, Normie--I..

T-Paw: “Yeah, you meanie!” (T-Paw kicks Ward Cleaver in the 'nads).

Ward Cleaver: “—Oooh—hey! ::cough:: —that hurt!” :::cough:::

:::Williestarts to sob uncontrollably:::

:::Normie’s face starts to turn an iridescent array of colors::::

June Cleaver: “Ward— you made Willie cry! Take back what you said!”

Ward Cleaver: “But June!!”

June Cleaver: “Ward—they’re children! Don’t destroy their imaginations!”

A-Klo: (hands on hips) “Yeah—our ‘maginations!”

:::Normie starts teetering:::

Ward Cleaver: “But June—they want us to give them money!”

June Cleaver: “Ward—if you don’t take back what you said right now and give them some money, you’ll be cut off from The Beaver!”

Ward Cleaver: (Looks up and down at Mrs. Cleaver, turns toward children, and emits a deep sigh) “Okay kids… How much…”

Normie: “A couple-a-grand oughta do, fer stahters. (Elmer Fudd laugh)”

(Ward writes a check, grudgingly signs it, and drops it in Normie’s bucket)

T-Paw: (syrupy sweet) “Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. Cleaver. How very generous of you. We’ll be back”

(T-Paw, Willie, Normie and A-Klo skip away from the Cleaver household, bucket in tow, to the next house down the block….)

June Cleaver: "Now aren’t they nice kids, Ward?"

::::Leave it to Beaver Music out:::::

Fin.

(Cross-Posted at The Ice Palace. Comments welcome)