True North

The official FD Spoof

AN OPEN LETTER TO THE VOTERS OF OUR CITY:

As a candidate for the office of Commissioner of Sewers I feel it necessary to answer some of the criticisms that have been leveled against me by my detractors in the hate radio community. While it is true that I have been a member of the Church of Rigid Dogma for over 20 years, it is unfortunate that so many in the hate radio community have implied I have conspired, along with my Pastor, Reverend Chuckie “True” Blue, in acts which could be construed as libelous, slanderous or, indeed, felonious. I will refuse to believe these allegations up to the moment a guilty verdict is rendered against my friend.

Reverend Blue has been my mentor and my friend for two decades. Asking me to separate myself from True would be like asking me to separate myself from my liquor and gun cabinet. Now, having said that, I’m not unwilling to throw my friend under the bus if subpoenas are served or certain videos are located. A lot depends on just how much damning testimony those maggots in the hate radio community can actually uncover. If these irresponsible broadcasters are going to imply a guilt by association just because I sat in the front row every Sunday for 20 years, they’re wrong. No one can prove I actually listened to Chuckie’s sermons. Many of those Sundays I was asleep, hungover or just not interested.

It has been brought to my attention that last September Reverend Blue called for the assassination of the Mayor and two of the seven City Council members. I don’t recall that specific part of the sermon. Nor do I remember the suggestion that some of our congregational “deadbeats” work off their debt to the church by executing his “holy missive.” It wasn’t until after the funerals - at the interrogation - that my memory was jogged. During that particular Sunday sermon I believe I was listening to the Vikings/Bears game on my I-Pod - and while the CD of that specific sermon may have caught me shouting ‘right on’ when the assassinations were suggested, I told the detectives I was simply responding to a 46-yard touchdown run by Adrian Peterson. If asked to testify in a court of law, I would have to plead ignorance.

I believe it would be unfair to deny my rightful place on the Septic Board just because of a sordid relationship with a shady preacher. Hey, every preacher flies off the handle from time to time. Every preacher utters hateful, vengeful, spiteful misinterpretations of God’s Word when so moved by the Spirit. A few expletives and 50-caliber suggestions are not uncommon in these kinds of spiritual moments. (The dynamite was a little over the top, but when Old Blue reaches a real self-righteous moment of fire, brimstone and political epiphany he can move men to walk through buildings – or, allegedly, detonate them).

I would ask those irresponsible commentators in the hate radio community to refrain from speculating about my relationship with Old Blue. Yes, we’ve had a few moments. Yes, he gets a little impassioned sometimes. Yes, he’s bailed me out of lock-up more than once. Yes, there was that time in Mexico. But, through it all, voters need to remember one thing - there’s no video! And, I resent the implications that as a prospective public servant, I ought not associate with the kind of hate speech and intolerant exploitation Reverend Blue is said to preach. These are precisely the kind of allegations against my friend I will stridently deny up to, and including, the moment a guilty verdict is returned.

Finally, I ask you to do me one small favor: Turn off that hateful radio with all of their irresponsible audiotapes of Reverend Blue’s sermons. We all want justice served. As a matter of courtesy, some of us would prefer it be served after the election. I would simply ask you to bear in mind that I pledge to unite our sewer community and be a selfless sewer servant. Don’t let a small indiscretion like a 20-year association with a known bigot get in the way of the greater good of our community.

God Bless you for taking the time to hear my side of the story - and God Bless America.

Don Smegma, candidate, City Sewer Authority.

Cross-posted at Freedom Dogs. Comments welcome.